Joy To The World, Barney's Dead
by Tahra
Summary: Complete foof. Tess gets to meet her hero, Barney the dinosaur, only to find out that he's not as great as she thought. CC.
1. Weird Idolisations

Summary: Complete foof. Tess gets to meet her hero, Barney the dinosaur, only to find out that he's not as great as she thought. In fact, he's an evil alien in disguise, sent to take over the world using the children! Oh No!

Disclaimer: Roswell belongs to me! Yeah and I'm the tooth fairy and I live with Santa Clause and all the little elves, in Wellington, and I see Elvis at the corner cafe every morning and he's having coffee the Easter Bunny and Elmo! Okay, Roswell does not belong to me, but if it did, think of all the fun I could have with Brendan Fehr, on the other hand, maybe it's not better to think about that. Roswell belongs to Melinda Metz and WB and UPN.

Authors Notes: This is fic is so entirely stupid that it borderlines ridiculous, foofy, crazy, mental and so completely childish all at once. Enjoy!

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Tess Harding sat in the Valenti's lounge, enthralled in the tv. She had no idea what the program was, but it was an interesting show. She was so entranced in it that she didn't hear the doorbell ring, or Kyle Valenti answering it, or Maria DeLuca, Michael Guerin, Alex Whitman, Liz Parker, and Max and Isabel Evans coming in.

She only realised that someone else was in the room when laughter came from all around her. She turned to see all her friends laughing so hard they were falling over.

"Barney? You're watching Barney? And I thought Maria was weird!" Michael hooted.

Maria stopped laughing, and her eyes narrowed, glaring at him. "Watch what you say, crocodile-butt!"

"Barney? That's what it's called? Well that makes sense, after all the dinosaurs name is Barney and he seems to be the main character!" Tess turned back to the tv.

Kyle reached over and snagged the remote control, he didn't like the thought that his girlfriend actually watched Barney. He quickly turned the tv off.

"Thank you! There is a God!" Alex mocked bowed to Kyle, as if he were a King. "I will worship you forever, oh Sahib!"

"Hey, I was watching that!" Tess declared at the same time.

"Tess, it's a children's program. Only little kids are... stupid enough to watch it!" Kyle explained.

Tess turned to him, a look of astonishment on her face. "Are you saying I'm stupid?"

"Oooo, Kyle's in for it now!" Isabel said.

Kyle glared at her then turned back to Tess. "No, I'm not. I'm just saying that it's a stupid show."

"You are calling me stupid!"

"No, I'm not. God, for a supposedly 'superior intelligent race', you guys sure get the wrong end of the stick!"

"Hey!" Isabel objected. "We are smarter than you guys! Just Tess doesn't know what's dumb and what's not."

"Now you're starting in too!" Tess complained.

"Hey blame your boyfriend, he's the one who called you stupid, remember?"

Tess turned back to Kyle. "Well?"

"Okay, I'm sorry," Kyle said, defeatedly. "You're not stupid."

"Thank you. And?"

"And?"

Maria stalked up to him. "I think she wants something to make up for your... stupidness?"

"Yeah okay. To make it up to you, I'll take you to meet Barney in person."

"Really! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! You are the cutest woozle I ever knew!"

Tess launched herself at Kyle, hugging him hard.

"And he is so whipped!" Michael muttered to himself.

Maria overheard him, and giggled.

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Well? Whatcha think?


	2. Songs! :D Yay

Songs! Yay :D

"I hate you, you hate me  
Let's hang Barney from a tree  
With a box of matches and a can of kerosene  
Light em up and hear im scream  
No more barney, No more tree."

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"Are we there yet?" the two annoying voices chimed in in unison for what seemed like the thousandth time in half an hour.

"No!"

Kyle turned and half yelled at the two girls behind him. He couldn't yell any louder because some of the passengers were sleeping, and they'd already ticked off more passengers than Kyle dared to think about. In fact, they'd even had several people move away from them because of the noise, and one of them was before the plane had even left the runway!

"For the thousandth time, we are not there yet!"

Kyle grumbled to himself. Why was it that only him, Tess, Michael and Maria going, and none of the others? It was really unfair. And whose stupid idea was it that they had to fly?

As if Michael could read his thoughts, he said, "Why did we have to fly?"

"I know. It just makes them worse!" Kyle agreed.

They both turned and looked behind them, at the two bouncy, blonde, pixish girls, who sat in their seats giggling and chattering away to each other like two little five year olds. They were getting more stares from various passengers, all 'what-are-those-weirdo's-doing-on-this-flight-shouldn't-they-be-locked-away?' type stares.

Five minutes later the guys heard another chorus of: "Are we there yet?"

Luckily only about five minutes after that the plane finally landed on the runway, and about ten minutes after that they were standing on the side walk in front of the airport hailing a taxi.

"Okay, lets get a taxi, meet this Barney guy and go home!" Michael suggested.

"Uh uh. We have to go shopping, see the sights, see if we can meet other famous people, take in a movie, do more shopping, go to trendy little cafe's..."

The guys tuned Maria out as she began to tick off all the things that they 'just had to do', on her fingers.

Girls! Can't take 'em with you, can't leave them at home! So what can you do with them?

Thankfully Kyle found an empty cab and dragged Tess over to it. They all scrambled in, Kyle in the front.

"Where ya wanna go?" The driver asked.

"Here," Tess said, handing him a piece of paper with the address scrawled on it.

He quickly pulled out into the traffic and within ten minutes, they had arrived.

"That'll be twenty-two fifty thanks."

The driver turned and smiled at them. Michael handed over the money and they all got out.

"Well, what are we waiting for? Lets go in!" Tess said.

They walked through the big double doors- well they had to be big, three dinosaurs have to go through them, right? and walked up to the receptionist's desk.

"Hi, we're here to meet Barney?"

"Okay, please take a seat and someone will be with you in a moment."

They sat down on hard plastic chairs and waited. Tess began to bounce and hum while she waited. She was humming the 'I love you' song. Kyle and Michael were incredibly freaked out by this, and their faces said as much, but Maria... Well Maria being Maria, she began to sing along. And it went something like this...

"I Love You,  
You Love Me,  
Lets go out and kill Barney.  
We'll whack him in the balls,  
And whack him in the head,  
Don't tell Tess that Barneys dead."

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Wahtcha think? Funny or a flop? Your opinion counts!


	3. Meeting Barney Elweirdo Purple Dino

Meeting Barney… The el-weirdo purple dino!

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Michael snorted with laughter, Kyle fell on the floor he was laughing so hard and Tess stared at her in shock.

"Don't sing that!" Tess cried. 'That's mean!"

"But it's funny!" Michael managed to gasp out, between fits of laughter.

"And I would love to do it!" Kyle tried to say seriously, and failing miserably.

The receptionist looked over at them, smiled, then got up and walked over to them.

"I can take you meet Barney now, if you'd like."

"Oh thanks!"

Tess jumped up enthusiastically and began to follow her. The other three followed, less enthusiastic. They followed her down a long hall and into a room. The door to the room had a star and the name 'Barney' underneath it.

Barney sat on a couch o the other side of the room, a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. His flat, blobby purple body was lying like a drunken heap on the couch, all twisted and limp. He obviously hadn't had a decent show or shave in a few days, and the room reeked of beer.

Tess squealed and raced over to give him a huge hug.

"Oh. My. God! It's really you! I can't believe it! Oh my Lord!"

Barney stood up, abruptly, dumping Tess on the floor. Tess picked herself up and flung herself at him again. Kyle groaned, and went red with embarrassment. Sure his girlfriend wasn't any normal being, but even still!

"Who the hell are you?" Barney yelled.

"I'm Tess. I'm a major fan of yours!"

Barney stopped for a second, and stared at her.

"I don't care who you are! Get out! Now!"

"Don't you care about your fans?" Tess asked.

Kyle grabbed her arm and started to drag her out of the room. It was obvious that this Barney dude was not in a good mood, and he didn't want to be there if he really blew! But Tess pulled away. She stormed up to Barney and poked him in the chest.

"I am a fan, and I don't deserve to be treated this way! You should be glad to have fans like me! You should..."

She stopped mid sentence as Barney flew across the room. Tess realised that she'd gotten a little out of control and that, using her mind power, she'd accidentally pushed him. Barney hit the far wall and crumpled to the ground, unmoving. Tess raced over to him, she checked his pulse. 

There was none.

Do do do do!

TBC

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End file.
